What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
