I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
