How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
be right there i have to get my cape
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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