It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
