Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Pants are for mortals
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
