Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
