Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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