:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize