Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I think I won the penis lottery.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
