everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
