I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
