i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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