That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
