The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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