So drunk its hurt
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
