guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
