The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
