Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Randomize
