this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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