another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
