Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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