I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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