This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
