My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
