Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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