I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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