So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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