I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
