Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
