so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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