just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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