You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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