She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
