I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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