how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize