he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
