I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Fuck appropriateness.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
