when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
