I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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