New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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