I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
