If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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