you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
i need to put some appletini on your dick
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
