im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
