i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
