i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
