If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
