so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize