Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
