he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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