I miss vodka workout Fridays
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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