I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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