every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
