My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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