I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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