Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize