i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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