dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
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