shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
