If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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