Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
