she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
